My Pride Has Been Shot
As of January 2023, I have re-organized and fixed my website again. I figured it needs less stuff and a stronger theme. I'm going to focus more on applying to jobs this year, so a more organized portfolio is essential. 2022 was full of a lot, so I didn't focus so much on my art career. Therefore, I did a lot of self reflection.
I will explain the title.
A lot of what I do is out of spite, which is good and bad. Of course it's a good motivator, but it could also get me in trouble because I will compare myself to others. There are times I believe I really am doing great but I'm pretty okay. Confidence is great, but when you are unaware of how "okay" you actually are, it becomes egotistical.
I love teaching, and I love helping.
If someone wants advice, I don't hesitate. I like to think that I know a lot and have good advice, but there's a lot of stuff I really don't know. Eventually, I care too much about the person wanting help and care too much about helping them that I forget myself.
I really need to stay in my own lane.
I can't truly give publishing advice, for example, if I myself have never published anything. I know OF publishing, but I can't act like I know everything about it. I've caught myself giving a lot of advice, but not following it.
"You just gotta do it!" "Post everyday." "Why don't you apply every week?" "Make a schedule and follow it." Half the time my advice was just projection.
When I turned 26, it was the first time I felt "old". It wasn't like I felt like an old person, or anything, it was moreso I felt tired of doing the same old thing. The goals I've wanted when I first graduated are still unfinished, and the projects I started on during 2020's quarantine are still not done.
When I moved to my apartment, it really felt like I made it. In some way, it still does. Before I moved, I was still living with my parents, working fulltime and saving my money. If I happened to complain about cost of living, or fear of moving out, etc. I was hit with my friends' opinions saying "Well you still live at home" and other back-handed advice that made me feel like my feelings didn't matter so long as I didn't live in the "real world."
So getting an apartment and being able to cook my own meals, go to shows and events, live with the love of my life and still make art as a living felt good out of spite. I thought of these friends and their advice and thought "HAHA LOOK AT ME. NOW WHAT? NOW I'M JUSTIFIED TO BE HEARD. I'M BETTER THAN YOU."
Now it's nearing spring, which is when our lease is up. I just realized living in San Diego is hard! I mean, I already knew that. I just thought I would be doing much better by now, is all.
When I calculated my sales after each day at the park and showed it to friends, they told me I still wasn't making enough and that I wouldn't make it if I moved out. To me, I thought I WAS making enough. But now that it's January, about 8 months in, I feel like they were right.
And it sucks.
I REALLY HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ENOUGH.
Since moving, I have kept the same jobs, never finished the projects I wanted to finish, never applied to jobs, haven't officially worked on a schedule. It takes months to even adjust to a new living situation and when I finally did, I still didn't work on anything.
I could have applied to a job every day. I could have signed up for every comic convention in the year. I could have done a lot, but instead I didn't! So who am I to sulk and be sad about things not turning out well, when I HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED?!
So yeah. 2023 is hopefully going to be better. I'm telling myself my goal is publish a comic officially, and make that my one official goal. Everything else is just a side project. If those side projects end up getting somewhere, then that's just a bonus. But I have to pick one major goal and stick to it.
It's not even that I'm afraid, because I'm not! For some reason, I just don't make my goals my priorities. I have no idea why. I think I'm subconsciously waiting for fear to motivate me since I haven't had much of anything else to.
I'm going to do it, I just need to find that spark.
Anyway thank you for reading, if you did. I don't think anybody reads these, but they're for my future self to read anyway. But if they help you out, cool. c: